Teach Your Children

You may recognize the blog title as that of the well-known Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young song. The lyrics don’t provide much useful information on how to do that, however, just the instruction to “teach them well.” Fortunately, there are others who offer better suggestions in that respect.

What brought the song title to mind was Jane Brody’s November 8 New York Times article “How to Nurture Kindness in a New Generation.” It begins this way, “In ‘Social Justice Parenting,’ Traci Baxley emphasizes the rewards of teaching our children to empathize and care for others.” Brody then mentions that the old proverb “it’s better to give than to receive” has been proven correct time and again by research. One such researcher, sociologist Andrew Miles, says, “Doing kind things makes you feel better. It fulfills a basic psychological need, like giving our bodies appropriate food. It helps you feel like your life is valuable.” Miles is leading a study to quantify how doing good can help offset the anxiety and depression that plague the health of so many people.

Brody next points out what might seem obvious: “And the need for kindness may have never been greater.” She writes that “children, who can readily sense the emotional distress of their caregivers, often share the pain.” One “antidote” to this, she tells us, is “prosocial behavior,” or acting in ways to help other people.

Traci Baxley’s book Social Justice Parenting “emphasizes the rewards of teaching compassion and kindness to a new generation.” Baxley’s goal “in fostering a more just world for all is to raise children ‘who can ultimately self-advocate, empathize with others, recognize injustice, and become proactive in changing it.” Baxley’s parenting focuses on self, family, and community through her ROCKS approach:

• Reflection — “Looking at your lived experiences and recognizing how each experience shapes the way you see the world and your parenting style.”
• Open Dialog — “Having the courage to have hard conversations with yourself and your children, even when you are fearful and don’t know the answers.”
• Compassion — “Focusing on how we magnify positive self-talk, use heart-centered strategies in parenting our children where they are, and how we see and treat others.”
• Kindness — “Showing yourself kindness, modeling kindness for your children, and exploring the intrinsic joy of offering acts of kindness to others.”
• Social Engagement — “Exploring various forms of activism to make positive changes in your life, your children’s lives, and in society.”

Brody writes that “prosocial behavior requires compassion and empathy” and that “most children likely need to learn it from the same people who teach them to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ and the earlier in life that happens, the better.”

Reading these words and thinking back on my own experience growing up makes me think that most parents likely don’t realize how much of their attitudes and behaviors imprint on their children. At 70, I still struggle with negative thinking and reactions learned mostly from my father. I see the same thing in others. The AptParenting website tells us that “a child’s personality starts shaping up by witnessing his/her surroundings, people around him/her, and lessons learned from them.” While the text emphasizes that many factors affect children, it says this about parental influence:

Out of all the factors responsible for personality development, parental influence is the most important one. The way parents behave with the child, how much he is allowed to socialize, the kind of culture he is subjected to by them, and the emotional make-up of his parents, all these have a great bearing on the child’s mental growth. In early childhood, all children ape their parent’s mannerisms. Thus, parents should take care to become good role models to their children.

“Basic Factors That Affect Personality Development in Children”

So, the clear lesson is that NBAD (not being a dick) behavior by parents (or anyone for that matter) will trickle down to those around them. While raising children to be empathetic and compassionate is certainly more complicated than just NBAD, the NBAD approach to “teaching your children well” may go a long way toward helping them avoid the “children’s hell” CSN&Y sing about, as well as help them help others in the same way. If you only needed one reason TNTBAD, this would be it.

(Originally published on TNTBAD (tntbad.org), November 8, 2021. Featured Image: “The Daughters of Edward Darley Boit,” John Singer Sargent, 1882. Public Domain.)