How to Be Happy Lesson #10: What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?

So, I’ve been spending all this time researching (ha) and regaling you (ha again) with tales of what happiness is and how others recommend reaching that state and there’s been no need. Apparently, all we have to do to feel joyful and complete is tune in to the right wavelength. There’s more than one, actually, and they’re called the Solfeggio frequencies. Here’s a brief introduction, provided by the Power Thoughts Meditation Club:

Vibration is everything. And every vibration has its own frequency. By exposing the mind and body to the Solfeggio frequencies, you can easily achieve a greater sense of balance and deep healing. The Solfeggio frequencies align you with the rhythms and tones that form the basis of the Universe. Long associated with meditation music the Solfeggio frequencies are reputed to be the original frequencies used by the Gregorian Monks when they chanted in meditation. The chant, based on the original six notes (396hz — 417hz — 528hz — 639hz — 741hz — 852hz), penetrates deep into the conscious and subconscious mind, drawing forth emotional reactions which we are sometimes unable to completely control.

The Solfeggio tones, I’m told by the PTMC, have separate, distinct benefits:

• 174 Hz — A natural anesthetic that removes physical pain; also motivates your organs to do their best by giving them a sense of security, safety, and love.
• 285 Hz — Useful for treating wounds, cuts, burns, or any other form of damaged tissue because of its amazing ability to remember what should be and return cells to their original form.
• 396 Hz — Cleanses the feeling of guilt; can also be used as a means of grounding, awakening, sobering, and returning to reality.
• 467 Hz — Deletes a person’s “alienation from God” and enables a return to the “right path”; also cleanses traumatic experiences and clears the destructive influences of past events.
• 528 Hz — Returns human DNA to its original, perfect state; provides an increased amount of life energy, clarity of mind, awareness, awakened creativity, and ecstatic states like inner peace, dance, and celebration.
• 639 Hz — Enables harmonious community and interpersonal relationships by enhancing communication, understanding, tolerance, and love.
• 741 Hz — Cleans toxins from cells and leads to a healthier, simpler life; also leads diet toward foods that are not poisoned by toxins and cleans cells of electromagnetic radiation.
• 852 Hz — Directly connected to the third-eye chakra and can be used to awaken inner strength and self-realization; dissolves stagnant mental energy from overthinking.
• 963 Hz — Awakens any system to its original, perfect state.

Wow. Who knew? I think this may not only be the way to happiness but immortality to boot.

If you’re thinking oh, great, this all sounds lovely but now I have to learn how to hum at specific frequencies or buy some fancy sound generator from Sharper Image, you’d be wrong. You could do those things, of course, but why go to that trouble when you can get a set of Solfeggio tuning forks from Amazon for a mere $139.95. Or you can go cheaper and get the “Solfeggio Frequencies — The Ancient Sacred Harmonics with Brainwave Entrainment and Isochronic Tones” CD for just $16.99.

I think I will have to go with the tuning forks since the last time I checked myself for brainwaves they were conspicuous in their absence and thus untrainable. All I need to do to fix that, it seems, is pick up a 963 Hz tuning fork, tap it lightly against a hard surface to start it vibrating, and then insert the stem slightly into one of my ears. If these blogs suddenly get more coherent, more astute, and more interesting and entertaining, you’ll know it worked.

(Published originally on RatBlurt™, February 13, 2019.)