Being There

So, what is friendship? The dictionary tells us it is “the state of being a friend.” That seems simple except it raises another question. What is a friend? Relying on Merriam-Webster again, a friend is “one that seeks the society or welfare of another whom he or she holds in affection, respect, or esteem or whose companionship and personality are pleasurable–an intimate associate, especially when other than a lover or relative.” This view of a friend casts friendship in a nice, warm glow, one that seems, however, to be more about what someone gets from being a friend rather than what one gives as a friend.

For a much more detailed perspective on friendship, here’s what the classical humanist Cicero has to say, broken down into bullet format:

• One should choose one’s friends carefully, choosing men [persons] of good character.
• One should freely share all of one’s concerns, plans, and aims with one’s friends.
• Friendship should be based on steadfastness, loyalty, and trust, with no deception or hypocrisy.
• Absolute honesty is thus essential for friendship.
• One should be congenial and show pleasant manners to friends, treating them as equals, and being generous and helpful to them.
• One should encourage one’s friends in developing virtue, reprimanding them in a tactful, gentle manner if necessary, and accepting reprimand with forbearance.
• One should behave respectfully to one’s friends, maintaining particular respect to friends of long standing.

That is Cicero’s list of do’s. Now here’s his list of what friends do not do:

• One should do no fundamentally wrong acts on account of friendship.
• One should not have unrealistic expectations or be too demanding towards one’s friends.
• One should not engage in behavior of a flattering or sycophantic nature.
• One need not give more help to a friend than one is able nor is one obliged to do this.
• One should not place pleasing a friend above matters of duty.

While these lists are long, the precepts seem to be common sense things and not too onerous. The qualities of friendship to focus on in the do-list, it seems to me, are “steadfastness, loyalty, and trust.” An article on Buzzfeed describes this behavior as “showing up for friends” and then continues with this caution:

The thing about showing up is that it’s not exactly easy. It’s simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s not work. Showing up requires intelligence, intuition, empathy, generosity, confidence, and a willingness to be vulnerable. It doesn’t just happen; it takes a level of intentionality, effort, and practice. And truly showing up for others requires you to do something that can be even harder — to show up for yourself first. That means really getting to know yourself, taking care of your physical and mental health, being kind to yourself, and setting boundaries.

The article goes on to list 65 ways you can “show up” for your friends. Each of these acts shows consideration and kindness, lets the other person know that you are “there” for them, and likely encourages them to be there for you in similar ways. Cicero would probably caution us, though, about expecting quid pro quo. Indeed, he would likely endorse this quote from Belgian playwright Maurice Maeterlinck: “An act of goodness is of itself an act of happiness. No reward coming after the event can compare with the sweet reward that went with it.” Hear, hear, or perhaps more accurately, άκου άκου.

[Image: The Young Cicero Reading by Vincenzo Foppa (fresco, 1464). Public Domain.]